I’ve spent this Mother’s Day reflecting on previous Mother’s days since by Mom transitioned in 2008. I really don’t have any grandiose memories. I usually try to plant flowers or cook her favorite meal. But the last couple of years I’ve just let the day play out as it plays out. I admit I’m not in the same place I was mentally when she first died. God has given me the grace and strength to face the day with my head up and no depression….it’s an intentional effort and reality. Although the loss is felt it’s bearable for the most part…something I never thought I would be able to say. I don’t have to feel guilty for not being sad or being ok without her being here…as much as I can anyway. God has blessed me tremendously and I know my Mom would be proud of my walk with Christ and where I am in life…cheering me on.
I don’t remember much about 2008 but these two major life changing events: May 2008 I graduated from Washington University with my Masters degree. My Mom was right there by my side, proud and asking “when are you going back for your PhD.” I remember saying with much attitude “let me get this over with first.” In hindsight I know she only wanted what was best for me and to push me as far as I could go. Seven months later, December 2008, my Mom took her last breaths with her children around her bed, praying and hoping God would perform a miracle and heal her body. I think we all secretly knew that wasn’t going to be the case.
So, now here I am in 2019 striving to be a woman of God. Trying to live a God-fearing life like my Mom showed me through her life. I can’t fill her shoes nor do I aspire to any longer but I do understand her journey a little bit more each and every day I walk this walk. My Mother will forever be in my mind, heart, and spirit. Even when I think I have forgotten certain things about her, something comes to mind or I feel myself acting or responding like her (not intentionally, LOL) but she’s in my DNA!
I’m not sure I’ll remember this Mother’s Day for any particular reason other than it’s one more year God has blessed me not to succumb to grief but gratefulness that Delores Jean was and is my Mother. Our bond was orchestrated before the world began. I was predestined to be her daughter and she would be my Mom forever even though she’s no longer here in the flesh. I choose to live my life in honor of her and most importantly honoring God with my life. He is the author and finisher of my faith. I’m not sure I buy into the idea of her being my guardian angel but I do know I have a loving Father and Creator that carries me and strengthens me day to day.
I’m truly forever her baby girl…Happy Mother’s Day!!!